Hi all, this is my first time blogging about my personal feelings. Before this, I have never touch on any topic that is related to my feelings. I always try to hide it deep down inside my heart, never willing to share with anyone except the person I trust. I can have a laughing face yet my heart is so empty at the same time. I know this is not good, but sometimes I just don't want to let others to know that I am sad, I want to be strong, ,but as human, I know I can't maintain that forever. One day, when I can no longer hold, I know I will break down.
Well, let me tell you what exactly is my feeling now.. After been in Sydney for a month, I can say I physically adapted well with the environment already. The Aussie walk a lot, yes, I can cope with them. No problem, I guess being a city-boy help me in this aspect. However, the same cannot be said for the mental adaptation. I still wonder when only I can adapt to Australia way of life.
I clearly understand I can no longer live in a Malaysian way. This is the main purpose why I am here to face challenge on my own. I want to learn new things, change myself to a better person. Unlike that time in Singapore, this time I am here alone, no relatives, no friends from Sydney, it's like I am a new leaf in a new environment. I get to shape it in the way I one as I would not need to afraid of other people's view on me. I do make myself a promise before I came here, I want to be brave, to change myself, so that I will be a different person in a better way from what people know me previously. Well, when I am physically here, I lost all the courage. I no longer dare to change, I choose the easiest way, stick with the old me. I really don't know why this happen. It turns out to be very difficult for me to change into the way I plan for myself. Nevertheless, I promise I will keep on trying. Maybe I just need more time.. Who knows?
Friends.. I want to have more friends. It is not easy to establish a friendship here. First, I think I still lack the courage to take the most important first step. Second is the definition of friendship. People here seem to take friendship as a very common thing. We sit down and introduce ourselves, then we have a chat, then we time is up, we say goodbye and that's it. You will never know the next time when you bump into him/her again, will he/she still remember you? Or will you still remember him/her. It's so different. Prior to this, although I don't have a vast network of friends, but I do pay attention to the quality of each friendship I build. This is so different here. I think it might be just me setting the standard too high. For this problem, I think I will need to adjust myself and try to adapt to the way of life here.
Studying in a foreign country with a scholarship means that I don't have to worry about financial issues as long as I keep track of my spending. It does make a lot of people envious of us, the scholar. However, when one don't have problem X, problem Y will definitely show up. This is exactly what happens to me. Everyday in my life now, I am forcing myself to a routine. In university, no one will wait for you. Sometimes, I find that it is just too difficult for me to keep a 100% attention throughout the lecture, particularly for a 2-hours lecture. I slept and when I woke up, I feel guilty despite I still be able to catch up the part I missed either by understand the lecture slides printed or do self studies later at home. This get repeated for almost everyday. However, this is not the main point. The main point is I am still unsure about the road I should take.
Before I arrived in Sydney, I tell myself to be hardworking, struggle for another 4 years, to get excellent results and graduate. But yet, at the same time, another thought came to me. NO, you must balance your life between study and play. You have been struggling for almost 13 years already, now is the time to give yourself a break and enjoy life. One will never know what is going to happen tomorrow. So, I must not waste today while I still can enjoy. Now that I am here, this question continues to haunt me. Which should I choose? I still don't know. Well, I have been telling people around me that I should enjoy life, not just study. But, when it comes to the time to choose between studies and have fun, I still choose study. For example, there was one day I was planning to either go for a trip or stay at home to study, in the end, I choose study despite I know that I might be wasting a golden chance to travel. One senior here once told me, you will think that you have 4 years, a lot of time to travel around Australia, but in reality, before you be able to travel more than half of Australia, it is already three and a half years gone.
Yet until now, I am still unsure. Deep down inside my heart, I want to enjoy and study, but my brain will tell me the opposite. I hope the day will come soon, when I finally decided to have a balanced life in studying and playing.
This is a long post. I know. I simply write out what I think. All these words come from my heart. Any comments are welcomed.
2 comments:
It's true that as a student we must concentrate on our studies. Especially when you got the golden opportunity to go Australia sponsored by JPA scholarship. The world is harsh on us at times. Without hardship there won't be easy life. There is no such thing as easy cash or life in the world without you sacrificing and putting some effort it in. Remember that what you put in now will blossom in your future later on. More importantly, you will repay your parents hope and treasure you as an independent man. Once you step back on the soil of Malaysia, you will be taken as a grown up which been through life all by yourself in a total alienated world to you.
The Jason i know back in Form 3 is a person that knows when to start and stop on whatever he does. You MUST enjoy your life, but at the same time work hard on your objective (obtain your Engineering DEGREE). Life is about balance. So, take some time off when you need. I'm sure you can cope with your studies as you are a brilliant scholar! =)
Jian
just in case u dont know who i am, shanzheng.
there is one advice i want to give you. never ever limit yourself, just explore things that come along and grab those chances. which also means do not judge things, just accept them.
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